the facebook statuses i haven’t posted….until now

it has been more than a year now that i have been on facebook. and over the months, these are the status updates i held back. this is not something to be cut and pasted and used to harrass everyone on YOUR friends list. just sit back and enjoy! or cringe…


…is crampy and bloated.

…wants to unfriend you, but secretly loves watching you make an ass of yourself on FB.

…couldn’t care less about your dinner plans. probably all lies anyway.

…ran out of toilet paper 3 days ago. thank GOD there are paper towels!

…just drank 3 glasses of wine and is reaching for a new bottle.

…has that not-so-fresh feeling.

…still knows what you did last summer.

…is watching an Andy Griffith marathon.

…wonders why you posted that pic of yourself.

…ran 6.2 miles at 5am and still hasn’t showered (5pm)

…is trolling the personals ads.

…just drove home drunk.

…drinks the tap water.

…has the runs.

…is stalking the shit out of her -ex’s friends’ lists.

…thinks your dog us butt ugly, but clicked “like” on its picture anyway.

…just ate a whole fucking bag of pretzels, while i posted that i just ate an orange.

…thinks you are gay.

…just shaved you know where.

…forgot to flush the toilet. who cares? the dog? no!

…knows some secrets being circulated about you on FB that would make you cringe.

…hopes this list made you laugh so hard you sharted.