not that i would run, but…

don’t worry, i am sure there are damaging images of me somewhere that would preclude my run for office…but if i WERE to run…here’s what i would be screeching about:

-damaging images no longer preclude one from a political career.
-get out of Afghanistan and Iraq
-end the war on drugs/decriminalize marijuana
-rapists, child molesters and elderly-beaters – life in prison no parole
-overhaul the No Child Left Behind Act
-tax the churches
-annex mexico
-legalize prostitution (regulate the business, protect the sex workers and clients from disease and abuse)
-liberals: NO MORE WHINING
-conservatives: NO MORE PREACHING
-shut down Monsanto
-condoms on every corner
-birth control in the water
-every American must screen Waiting for Guffman when they turn 18.
-every American must sample The White Album and Dark Side of the Moon, whenever they want, but before age 25.
-no more plastic production
-Dancing With the Stars is the new enemy of state.
-more rights for divorced dads (overhaul the family courts)
-teachers, social workers, care-givers, first responders — all get audited and those still standing get 40% raises.
-2 words: solar power
-pinot noir, goat cheese, and ginger snaps become their own food groups
-free health insurance for pets (put THAT in your reform pipe and smoke it)
-tea parties are limited to little girls and old ladies, and tea is actually SERVED
-no commercials during Mad Men, The Office, Southpark, or The Famliy Guy.
-stupid is now class 1 misdemeanor
-breeding stupid? a felony
-production of styrofoam, phenylalanine, Scientologists, bovine growth hormone, and Jon Gosselin’s TV career stop NOW
-bike lanes in every city and town
-Halliburton-KBR pay us all back for the wanton quadruple over-billing of the wars in iraq and afghanistan – WITH TREBEL DAMAGES.
-no more selling “skinny”
-dark chocolate for everyone!

my name is andrea and i approve this ad

Dear Zachary:

Tonight i watched the documentary that your dad’s friend, Kurt Kuenne, made for you – his letter to you – about your dad’s short life.  Your dad’s friend travelled the world looking for pieces of your dad to show you.  But the inspired Mr. Kuenne had no idea that when he started his project, your little life would be cut short, too –  by the same woman who took your dad from you.  Mr. Kuenne almost gave up on his project in the wake of your tragic death.

Why continue with a letter you would never see?

Fortunately, Dear Zachary, he found two other people to whom the letter – his film – would be written.  And those are the two people who fought for you, loved you, believed in you:  your grandparents.  Tonight, I met your amazing grandparents through Mr. Kuenne’s eyes.  And even though i cannot see through my own tears right now, I see very clearly why the project went on.
Dear Zachary:  Your death was not in vain.  Your life and your dad’s life breathe through all that knew you both.  And kid, you should SEE the sparkle in their eyes as they go on and on about both of you!

And Mr. and Mrs bagby, your grandparents, who I saw you love very sweetly and very deeply in the footage of your 13 months here on earth, are now child advocates for children just like you. And they will do everything in their power to see that NOT ONE MORE CHILD gets handed over to danger.

Ever again.

And they do this in YOUR name.In your memory.

Dear Zachary,  tonight I said a prayer and asked the universe to give strength to your grandparents. And the next time I see a star (it’s been cloudy here, dear Zachary) I will say a prayer for you. And your dad.

A man in the film said it best:  Grief is love’s unwillingness to let go.  And dear Zachary, your grandparents will never let go of you.

dear zachary movie trailer

the facebook statuses i haven’t posted….until now

it has been more than a year now that i have been on facebook. and over the months, these are the status updates i held back. this is not something to be cut and pasted and used to harrass everyone on YOUR friends list. just sit back and enjoy! or cringe…


…is crampy and bloated.

…wants to unfriend you, but secretly loves watching you make an ass of yourself on FB.

…couldn’t care less about your dinner plans. probably all lies anyway.

…ran out of toilet paper 3 days ago. thank GOD there are paper towels!

…just drank 3 glasses of wine and is reaching for a new bottle.

…has that not-so-fresh feeling.

…still knows what you did last summer.

…is watching an Andy Griffith marathon.

…wonders why you posted that pic of yourself.

…ran 6.2 miles at 5am and still hasn’t showered (5pm)

…is trolling the personals ads.

…just drove home drunk.

…drinks the tap water.

…has the runs.

…is stalking the shit out of her -ex’s friends’ lists.

…thinks your dog us butt ugly, but clicked “like” on its picture anyway.

…just ate a whole fucking bag of pretzels, while i posted that i just ate an orange.

…thinks you are gay.

…just shaved you know where.

…forgot to flush the toilet. who cares? the dog? no!

…knows some secrets being circulated about you on FB that would make you cringe.

…hopes this list made you laugh so hard you sharted.